Saturday walk.

I took a walk this morning and as I was walking along Great East Road I smiled as I remembered a game we used to play as kids.

We would sit by the roadside and each of us would point at a car we liked and quickly yell “that one is mine” before the other could have dibs on the better car.

We did this often and we called it fun! So I’m pretty sure some child development analyst would explain that the game has some deeper meaning and all but for me, looking back, that game made me dream, hope and believe. I saw a nice car, quickly called dibs and the picture of that car gave me drive. I wanted to grow up and drive a nice car, own a nice house and look nice (we had a game for this too LOL)

Fast forward to today, I am 26, I don’t have a nice car (yet), but what I do have is a place to call home, a job that I love with my whole heart, a family that loves me the most, friends that make it all worthwhile and a man that loves me( yes, a man, I saw him crossing the Great East Road, I pointed at him, called dibs and said that’s my man LOL).

All in all, never lose your inner child, take that beautiful walk and travel down memory lane and remember all the games you played as a kid! You’ll thank me.

Yours,

Grace.

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My fears

The monster called fear attacks and in its arsenal are a bag of my insecurities.
I am helpless like a mother with a suckling child.
All I have is my inner strength to survive,not for me but for this child who is still yet to do amazing things.
I close my eyes and say a silent prayer to arm myself for the nasty fight awaiting.
I bring out all the things that make me a worthy person,I raise my inner voice and speak life to all the areas that my adversary is setting ablaze.
I whisper to my demons awake and defend me because I’ll never be as strong as the last time. 

A note to my period.

Remember when we just started off…that first day I lay on the ground for an hour because I couldn’t understand the pain I was feeling.

Yeah I’ll never forget my first period cramps.
It has been 11 years now and I’m still not used to you.

The feeling of going back and fourth like a rollercoaster with this pain never gets old.

So today you’re here again and I’m trying to convince my mind I’m not in pain just so I can’t feel the pain but I’m still in pain so now we’re just playing mind games.
Do you remember how my mum would keep me in my room so that I can throw up and cry in peace? Yeah…she would just yell from wherever and say ” I hope you’re not throwing up on your chitenge again” it’s like she knew i was doing that. LOL.

Don’t get me started on the unquenchable desire to purge..the onflowing tap that is opened by PMS my mood swings and sudden outbursts you’d think I have a hormone monster.

Also do you remember that embarassing moment when I stained and I had to hide it like it was the most shameful thing that could happen to me..oh how much we’ve grown together.
those days were the worst.

But just so you know I miss you sometimes lol like when I actually MISS you and I start panicking and saying short prayers to God about how I’ll be good and I won’t say short prayers about how it’s better to die than feel my intestines squeezed together and abruptly let go..the pain is so so outrageous it makes me say things. Things like I’ll never forni….and then I bite my tongue because the pain is back to bite me in the back.

So dear period cramps I don’t know why you’re necessary but sometimes I tell myself the world is much much more painful so thank you for preparing me.

Why I am angry.

They shot you in the chest and said don’t bleed too much you’ll make a mess.
They beat you to a pulp and had the audacity to say don’t cry too much you’re making so much noise .
They raped you over and over again and said you should have protected your dignity.
Who is this you’ve given so much right over your life?
He raped you…he should be broken not you.
He saw you walking in the street so confident and smiling and it hurt his small ego so he called you UGLY.
why are you making it okay to walk all over you in the name of humility and why the fuck aren’t you screaming your guts out because you deserve to be respected.
They cry foul because the world is no longer protecting them and they call us bitter.
Where were you when your mother shed tears because your father said she wasn’t enough and got a second wife??
Because you’re such a man you told her she should not cry too loud.
Where were you when your sister was raped even though her dress was decent? Did you lose your voice then or was it still her fault for having a vagina .
Where were you when your uncle told your female cousin to not scream or else he will be mad at her and beat her up…she spent her life thinking it was her fault
Where were you when that dead beat left your sister to quit uni and raise a child alone because he didn’t have time for her nonsense as though it was her penis that ejaculated.
Call me bitter one more time and I’ll pray for a freaky Friday.
I’ll pray that you’ll walk onto a bus and see men looking at you and you’ll panic and think “is it too dark to wait for another bus.”
I’ll pray so hard that you’ll walk through an alley and hear whispers of men who think they are entitled to have their way.
And I’m sure as hell a bonus God will send you to a job that says you’re too emotional to be the boss
I am tired of explaining why I’m angry at the world.
I am tired of having to justify my anger and my tears.
You’re a man so you’ll never understand and I do not expect you to. But please do not tell me I’m crying too loud or I’m making a mess from bleeding.

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